For me, work-life balance is about separation, not integration.
For the first time, both my kids are getting on a bus that leaves at 8:15 and returns at 4:15. It’s the longest stretch I’ve had without them since I let go of the nanny and my corporate career. Moving past the chapter of piecemeal and Covid-disrupted childcare has been a right of passage for me.
It brought into perspective the trajectory of my career and how my kids have in large part shaped it. In 2017, after my second child was born, I made a choice in favor of entrepreneurship with the fantasy of seeing my kids more and achieving more balance. However, I soon learned that balance was not as simple as hours evenly divided between motherhood and work.
This “flexible” lifestyle was actually leaving me feeling quite unhinged. I had become irritable, resentful, and felt unfulfilled. But why?
The reality is that I was trying to jam in full-time job productivity into “mother’s hours.” When my kids were home after school and daycare (which was often during the pandemic), I struggled to be present and wondered what emails were populating my inbox and what late-afternoon clients awaited me on zoom.
I was making too many choices about who to be with and was not present in any scenario. Yet, when you work full-time in an office, or at home with true child coverage until you close your computer, you have total clarity about what you are supposed to do and your choices are limited to doing things to support your job. There is no nagging feeling that you should be cleaning or crafting while you are writing a proposal or reconnecting with a former client. I of course missed my kids in my corporate days, but I was happily distracted by my colleagues, meetings, strategy sessions, client requests, and the overall energy of the work environment. There was no room for thoughts around what I was “supposed to be doing.”
Now, with larger swaths of child-free time, and no pangs to retrieve my little one early from pre-K, I feel free from those hard decisions between work and kids. I learned that balance really just means being present. This is a luxury for many moms trying to do it all (at once). The image of a seesaw with a family on one side and a career nicely balanced on the other side is a falsity that leaves many moms feeling guilty for not feeling balanced. To be present means one side of the seesaw is entirely up while the other side is down. It’s about loving the one you are with and being able to get into a flow state–be it with your kids over arts and crafts, or cranking on your professional work.
When we think we are being kind to ourselves, as mothers, by allowing for work-life integration, let’s consider if it comes with a greater burden. I vote for trying to find work-life separation as best you can so that you can honor the space you are in and live more intentionally. As for childcare challenges, that’s for another article.
